


The Silence - Heeseong

by whaisam



Category: K-pop, 크나큰 | KNK (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, BoyxBoy, Death, Heeseong - Freeform, Hospital, Imagination, Keunakeun, Love, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, i'm so bad at tagging kill me please, kind of mental illness but not really, manchester orchestra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 12:03:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whaisam/pseuds/whaisam
Summary: Inseong is trapped in silence, in a white room he can't escape, something he doesn't know.Until Heejun comes along and teaches him what colors felt like.





	The Silence - Heeseong

All my life, at least as far as I could remember, I’ve been stuck in the same room where time didn’t seem to pass. White walls, white furniture, everything was white and quiet. Nothing but silence was surrounding me, the whole time. Even when I looked out of the window, there was nothing but white. Nothing but silence.

As far as I could remember, I’ve also been alone this whole time, which always bothered me or just didn’t seem right. If there was nothing in my memory than this white room with nothing else around, how could I remember voices speaking to me, telling me it was all alright? I wanted to know where they came from, who was speaking. But I couldn’t even identify the gender of the person speaking, or if it was different people. I forgot what people sounded like. If I ever knew in first place.

The only thing that didn’t blend with the white color of the wall and everything else in this room, world or whatever I was trapped in was me. I was dressed in black for some reason, the only color I knew in this world came from my skin and a bracelet I’ve always been wearing. 

The bracelet was probably the most interesting thing I could ever find here. At least it was just less boring than everything else, it reminded me of the fact that black, white and the color of flesh weren’t everything existing. It was the only thing reminding me that rainbows existed, that colors existed and I’ve always been trying to find all these colors in whatever I was trapped in, but when I looked around I couldn’t see anything but boring white things and it was all the same.

To be honest, it made me feel sick. If I couldn’t think, I don’t know what I would have been doing here the whole time. Maybe it would have been better though. If you can’t think, you can’t get bored either, right? But not thinking would probably kill you. But when I thought about it, was there any point in staying alive in a world where nothing besides nothing and me, a nobody, existed? 

There were days? Hours? Seconds? I never knew how much time passed – at least I knew there were times where I wondered if, in this world, death existed. And if not – how would I know it existed when there was nothing or nobody telling me what it meant to be alive. Also there were moments where I wasn’t sure if I even was alive. Maybe I was trapped in some kind of athmosphere between life and death? Maybe I was dead? But maybe life was death and whatever I was in was the actual life? 

So many questions I asked myself as moments where I closed my eyes and opened them again passed. I wasn’t tired, I didn’t even know if I could become tired. Did exhaustion exist wherever I was? Questions over questions. Questions I asked myself, questions I couldn’t ask anybody besides myself because nobody was there. At least I thought there wouldn’t be anything except me here. There? Somewhere.

Until suddenly, there was something else. Someone else, bringing all of this dead material to life. Maybe even bringing me back to life, I have felt empty for so long. Way too long. And from one second to another, everything had changed.

Oh Heejun.

Knocking at my door as if it was the most normal thing that could happen. I remembered what sounds were. I didn’t know sounds existed in this place, but I also thought there wasn’t anyone but me and now I had something standing in front of the door I was sitting in front of for time that felt like years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. 

I opened the door, not sure why I never opened it before in first place. I only then realized I never had touched the door handle. I even climbed out of the window once. So why wouldn’t I just leave through the door? Questions over questions, but now I wasn’t alone anymore.

„Who are you?“ was the first thing I ever said into his face as I looked at him. He reminded me of a frog. Why? I didn’t know. I didn’t even know what frogs looked like. Which colors they had, if they had colors. It was just teh first thing popping up in my head. A cute frog.

Hearing myself speak was weird. It felt like suddenly, I wasn’t myself anymore. Someone else was there, and not only the person standing in front of me? Us? Something, someone else was inside my body. Something, someone I couldn’t control. It was just there and suddenly, there was sounds in this neverending silence. A paradoxon! The ending of the neverending silence. How funny it was! I felt like I was losing my mind.

„Oh Heejun“ frog boy said. Then he came in and something else changed. As I looked at him, I felt my chin falling down. Colors! Colors over colors. Not on his clothes, not on some bracelet he was wearing, neither on his hair nor skin nor eyes nor anything. But as he entered the white room, my white room, there were colors everywhere. And it was white at the same time. I didn’t kow how he managed to do it, filling up my world with sounds and colors just like that, just by stepping into the room, but for some reason the thought of asking him made my cheeks flush… red?

I felt hot, I felt like burning. Everything was burning, everything was in flames. What colors did flames have? I couldn’t remember either. It was just hot, hot, hot. I was burning.

„Flames can have different colors, depending on how hot they are. They can be orange, blue, they can also have no color. Adding chemicals, they can also become red, pink, green,… everything.“

I didn’t realize I was talking out loud while tinking about flames, burning, everything. I nodded to show my thankfulness about the fact that someone gave me a lesson on colors of flames. Which was when it hit me – one of my questions, the thousands of questions I had, had been answered, finally. 

„Jeong Inseong“ I said. „What?“ Frog boy answered. „My name. Jeong Inseong is my name“ I added and I couldn’t explain why my body made me feel things when Heejun looked at me like that. This time I made sure I wasn’t talking while thinking. Something about all this told me it’d just be embarrassing. 

Was talking always like that? Contact? 

As Heejun now became a part of my life, I couldn’t remember what living, or better: vegetating, felt like without him. There was something about him that turned on the lights in my mind, it wasn’t dark anymore even though it always had been white around me, which basically is the definition of ‚no darkness’. There was warmth, it felt warm. I felt warm. I felt good. And for some reason, I caught myself wondering if he felt the same.  
He was also the reason I caught myself smiling in… times that had passed since I first looked at the colors on my bracelet. And the happiness flooding my veins that moment wasn’t even close to what Heejun’s presence made me feel. His eyes were beautiful, his hair, his skin, his body, his smile, his teeth, his ears, his nostrils, it all seemed perfect to me. Perfect? I didn’t know what perfect was, I never knew. But for some reason „Oh Heejun“, whatever his flaws were, seemed to be what I’d say if someone ever asked me what I thought was the definition of „perfect“. 

I wondered what we’ve been doing the whole time. As far as I could remember, there was too much we did to remember all of it. I couldn’t remember. I didn’t even know if we ever did anything besides reathing next to each other, looking at each other, whatever.

What I could remember was the way he looked at me, the way his lips parted when he spoke, smiled, laughed. We laughed, we smiled a lot. At least I knew about that. 

„Do you think we’d better off without thinking?“ I asked him one time. It took him a few seconds to answer. Thanks to him, I knew what time was. Thanks to him, there was so many things I could explore and learn. Things I was always wondering if they existed out there. He taught me how to see, how to hear, how to smell, how to walk, how to smell, how to sing. 

„I don’t know“ he answered that time. It didn’t even take him two seconds. „  
„Without thinking, wouldn’t it all be just so boring? What would you do if you weren’t thinking? Would you just die? Or would you just live without anything else happening in your existence, would you just exist? Would your brain work by itself? Would your brain work at all? Could it work? Would your body just work on it’s own? I honestly have no idea.“

That took him more than two seconds. I smiled. At least I wasn’t the only one with questions in this place. There was so much more to explore. Maybe it wasn’t only me who needed Heejun to explore what was out there – maybe he just happened to need me the same way I needed him? 

The thought of it sent warm chills through my body. It felt warm, even warmer than his presence alone. Like a fire was burning inside my chest or inside my stomach, in every color you could ever imagine. Flowers blooming, butterflies flying around. My stomach was a garden with everything you could possibly imagine to find in there. The complete opposite of what you would find if you just looked around the plain room that was plain before Heejun came. 

He must’ve been a gardener. No, a wizard. An artist. Making what I thought was reality seem completely different. Change things, create things. Making the place we were trapped in disappear. Building up something completely different, something so much better, instead. Something beautiful. But I could have sworn, all these feelings were nothing compared to the things I felt when I felt his breath on my skin, when I heard his voice, when I saw him laugh, smile. When I looked him in the eyes, when he looked back at me. When I caught him staring at me.

„How do you feel?“ I asked and melted away as he smiled at me. „Wonderful,“ he said and if I haven’t turned into a liquid already, it definitely happened then. I wondered if he could see what I was tinking. I couldn’t see what he was thinking, but I didn’t know if I wanted to.

„Would you want to read my thoughts?“ I asked. „No,“ he answered, smiling again.  
Then there was the first time I touched him. It seemed so familiar, yet did it feel so strange. I touched his hands and he touched mine. I touched his neck and I could feel his fingers on mine. I touched his lips and within a second, I could feel his lips laying on mine.

That was when I was sure my chest exploded. I was burnign again, everything was burning. I felt hot yet cold at the same time. There was a storm in my garden and all the flowers and birds and trees and butterflies died. Or they came to life – I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t say what was happening.

It felt wrong yet did it feel so right. It felt so loud yet it was quiet. I felt empty and I felt like there was nothing else I needed because this feeling was everything I ever longed for, my whole life. It was horrible, horrifying. I was scared, I wanted to run. I wanted to stay like this forever, I felt whole. It was beautiful, wonderful.

As our lips parted again, I couldn’t do anything but to smile just to find Heejun smiling back at me. His eyes were shining, I felt like I could start crying from happiness any second though I couldn’t remember ever having cried in my life. 

„Do you know what this feeling is called?“ Heejun asked me. I shook my head. Why was he asking anyways? „I never know a thing, I’m just speculating and asking questions. Do you know?“

Heejun laughed, the birds were flying around again. The sun came up and was shining brightly. „Well, it’s the same for me“ he said while laughing. „I don’t know anything, I just think.“

„Then I think this would be called ‚love’“ I laughed quietly, looking at Heejun. He nodded. „Love. I approve that.“ Then he joined me laughing, sitting down on my lap. I wrapped my arms around his body just to find out that it felt so right, for a second I thought that was where my arms belonged to.

The feeling in my chest grew bigger and bigger with every second I spent next to Heejun. „Do you feel the same as I do?“ I asked him. „What do you feel?“ he asked back. 

„A garden, inside my stomach. A fire burning in my chest. Flowers, trees, butterflies, birds. Warmth. Something is breaking, something is being fixed. I feel complete. I feel happy. Something beautiful yet fragile. You.“ – Heejun nodded. „I do feel the same.“

I’ve never felt that happy. Actually, before I met Heejun, I didn’t even know what happiness felt like in first place. But I knew that he was the one who could help me. Maybe we had to get out of here? Maybe Heejun was my key to escape. Maybe I was his? Because something about Heejun’s presence made me realize that this couldn’t be all of it. There had to be something else, something bigger. We just had to find it – if we ever could. If it was there. 

Our lips met more often, sometimes hungrily, often soft. I reached a point where I couldn’t breathe, think, he made me feel crazy. Like I was going insane, but in a good way. Insane in a way that I liked, if not loved. Just as I loved Heejun, Oh Heejun, who showed me that the world was more than just white walls. That the world, that my mind was actually a beautiful place. He made everything better. Eventually, he had also made me a better person. I loved him. I loved him. I loved him so much, I’d almost say I could love him to ruins. And I knew that he loved me too. The same way I did.  
I got tired. I got tired for the first time in centuries, years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. Love, love made me feel tired. Maybe it was too much for my body to take, I felt the urge to sleep just to wake up and see Heejun laying next to me. I wanted to wake up. Just so I knew I ws going to see him every day, every night, every year that passed by. I wanted to stay with him forever. I was tired.

„Heejun, who do we never sleep?“ I asked. His eyes grew big in seconds. „Sleep? I… I think there’s no need to! It’s fine as it is, right? We spend days and nights together, always with each other and because it’s you, I know it won’t ever get boring or tiring. Days and nights, when the sun rises and when the sun falls down again. The moon, all the stars and galaxies.“

„Stars? Sun, Moon? Heejun, there’s nothing like that here. There’s white. Nothing but white, you and me. Love.“ – „Yes there is. Inside our heads, hearts, minds. You’re my sun, my moon, all the stars and galaxies. You’re the universe. You’re what comes when the sun goes to sleep and wakes up again. For me.“ I smiled. Nothing I ever heard was as beautiful as the words Heejun said were. „I see. I see it all“ I mumbled, looking inside of myself. Darkness, light, sparkles. Colors, emptiness. I was still tired.

„Heejun, I want to sleep.“  
„No, you don’t.“  
„I want to sleep. I want to wake up next to you. Over and over again, just so I could see your face every time I’d open my eyes.“  
„No, Inseong, you can’t.“

His eyes were red. Was he crying? I couldn’t stand the sight of Heejun crying. But I was tire. I wanted to sleep so badly. As if there was something calling me.

„Why can’t I, Heejun? And why are you crying?“  
„You.. You just can’t, Inseong. I don’t want you to. I can’t let you. I can’t let you go, I can’t let you sleep, I won’t let you sleep. Stay. Stay awake – for me.“

My eyelids felt heavy. I tried to keep my eyes open. I managed to do so somehow! But then I fell my eyelids falling down again. I tried my best to keep my eyes open.

„I beg you, Inseong. Stay with me. Don’t go.“  
„I won’t go. I’m going to sleep, dream a nice dream of you and me and come back to you again. We can stay together, forever.“  
„That’s the point, Inseong. We can’t.“  
„Why can’t we?“

He was crying, loudly. I held him close. He was sobbing. That didn’t stop my eyes from falling. I felt a tear falling down my face. „Because. Because I can’t let you go.“  
I was confused but I was too tired to ask.  
„YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME ALONE“ Heejun yelled and I felt the pain in his words. It hurt me, it broke me. 

„I won’t“ I whispered. But I did. Without knowing, I closed my eyes. The last thing I felt was Heejun’s shaking body on mine, a kiss pressed on my lips as if I was to die. 

Sleeping was calm. Empty. White, blending, black.  
Heejun’s weight was gone, any weight was gone. I was flying with my eyes closed.

As I opened my eyes, everything was white. White light blending me, white walls, some guy in a white dress, saying „He’ll wake up soon. It will take him some time to recognize where he is, but the tests said he was okay.“

I was laying in a bed, white blanket. I was wearing a white shirt and a colorful bracelet. Next to the man in the white dress, there was four other people. I wondered if I knew them. I didn’t know where I was, but I wasn’t where I was before. Was the man talking about me earlier?

Then it hit me.

I sat up, a headache hitting me instantly. I groaned.  
„Lay back down, Inseong. Lay back down“ a woman yelled. Where did she know my name from? Did I know her?

„Where is Heejun?“ I asked. He had to be somewhere, of course. And if they knew me, they’d also know me. Right? The man in the white dress looked at me, mouth white open. „He’s… speaking already?“

I laughed quietly. „Why wouldn’t I?“  
Three guys came closer to me. They were tall, maybe taller than me and from what I remembered I was considered tall here. „We’re so glad that you’re fine!“ one of them said. He was the tallest one. He carried a Patamon plushie. Compared to the other guys, the woman was definitely older. Was she my mother? Were they my friends? Why would I be friends with people I didn’t know? The only person stuck in my mind was Heejun.

„We missed you so much“ another guy said. He was the shortest of the three I think, he looked like a young dad. The third didn’t seem to be someone talking that much. His hair was dyed in a light brown color. I assumed the man in the white dress who was constantly making notes wasn’t one of them. They all had tears in their eyes. Why?

„Heejun. Do you know where he is?“ I asked again, hoping for an answer but the others just wouldn’t cooperate. „We don’t know who that Heejun is“ the boy? Man? With the dyed hair answered. The man in the white dress looked at me and I noticed he looked a bit like a doctor. Maybe he was one, but wouldn’t that mean I was in a hospital? I looked around. I was in a hospital.

„Do you know any of the people standing around you?“ the man in the white dress spoke. Now, everyone was looking at me. I could feel their tension. Was it really that important to know if I knew them? I shook my head. 

„I don’t know them. Or, assuming from the fact that I’m in a hospital and only one person looks like a doctor, I would say I don’t remember them.“  
For a while, no one said anything. I guess no one really could say anything. Then the Patamon tall guy spoke.

„I’m Park Seungjun, your.. best friend.“  
„I’m Kimchi- Kim Jihun, your friend and also your best friend’s boyfriend“ – The guy with the dyed hair. I started tearing up. They must have meant a lot to me. So why couldn’t I remember?

„Kim Youjin“ the dad guy said. The woman sighed, sobbed, I didn’t know.  
„I’m your mother, Inseong“ she said. I started crying too.

Everyone’s eyes laid on the doctor now. He looked really confused, as if he didn’t know what was hapening. No one did. But everyone hoped that at least one person did.

„Sir, do you know where Heejun is?“ I repeated.  
„Heejun? Is he your friend?“ he asked me and for some reason, I couldn’t resist the sudden urge to start laughing. „Maybe he’s more than that“ I said. „He’s the reasons I learned what colors were, he taught me how to live all this time that I was stuck in this white place I would have called hell if he didn’t come along.“

The doctor looked like he was thinking. Intensely. „Heejun? Do you know his full name, Inseong?“ he asked. „Oh Heejun“ I said. The doctor’s face dropped. „This can’t be…“ he whispered and I could have sworn I’ve seen a tear falling down his face. Panic. I was panicking. What was wrong? What did I do? Who was Oh Heejun and why was the doctor making such a drama?

„Can you describe him? What Heejun looked like?“ The doctor looked at me. He was concentrating. Was there something wrong with me? There must’ve been something wrong with me. Otherwise no one would look at me the way they did now. They didn’t look calm, nor did they look happy. They looked shocked.

„When I first saw him I thought he looked a bit like a frog. In my mind, I called him frog guy before he told me what his real name was. He was cute. His hair was black. His eyes… were very beautiful. I could’ve looked at him all the time, I…“ I stopped talking. It was too much. I saw him smiling, in my mind and I wished he was here. I cried again.

The doctor nodded, slowly. „Oh Heejun is… another patient of this hospital. He’s on the same floor as you. I don’t know if I am allowed to let you see him or if you’re allowed to see him though. He’s also my patient, so I know there’s never been anyone visiting him but… I wonder why of all people he appeared in your dreams.“

„But istn’t it often like that in dreams?“ Youjin interrupted. „I often dream of people I never met, they just appear in my dreams. So I guess it’s a common thing.“  
„No“ I said. „It wasn’t a dream. He was there, I was there. I could feel him, I could feel everything. I can remember every second we spent together. I remember his touch, I rememebr when we kissed…“ I gulped when I remembered our last conversation. We were both trapped somewhere between life and death. What if he was still there? What if he knew I’d leave when I closed my eyes? And… why did I leave? 

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t do anything for a few seconds. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years? Time was gone again, yet everyone wass till around me and the clock on the wall was still ticking, reminding me that I was still there. 

„How… How long have I been- haven’t I been there?“  
„A month. Twelve days. Six hours. Twenty minutes.“  
„And Oh Heejun?“  
„Three months.“

So it was true. He had been there before I was. Maybe I wasn’t the first one to leave him. Maybe that was why he knew I would when I fell asleep. Was he searching for me the whole time? Why wasn’t he there from the beginning?

„I want to see him.“  
„I don’t know if you can…“  
„Please. I need to.“

I wasn’t allowed to walk there alone. They put me in a wheelchair. Heejun’s room wasn’t far away. The doctor opened the door, I got in. It was dark and mainly quiet. I moved to the bed and when I looked at the person in it, I did my best not to scream. It was him and he looked like he was slowly dying. 

„Heejun…“ I whispered, coming closer. He wasn’t breathing. I started panicking again.  
„Doctor, I think he isn’t breathing. Is this alright? Is it meant to be that way?“  
I couldn’t tell if the doctor was listening to me or not. But he was crying.

„Is he alright?“ I asked with tears in my eyes. The doctor nodded slowly.  
„Yeah. Yes, he is alright. He is the best… That he could be. He’s safe now. And I hope he’s happy too.“

Tears rolling down my face again. „He really is safe? I don’t need to worry?“  
The doctor’s tears falling down on the floor. Unprofessional.  
„Yes.. H-he is. There is no need to worry about him.“  
„So will he come back? When? Will I be able to talk to him?“

The doctor’s face dropped again.

„There’s… really no need to worry about him. As I said, wherever he is, he’s fine. He’s safe.“  
„Why are you crying then? Why can’t you answer my questions? You already said that thirty seconds ago.“

„He won’t“ the doctor burst out, setting his glasses into place. He cleared his throat and looked at me, acting as if everything was fine when apparently, it wasn’t fine at all. Acting as if it wasn’t bothering him, acting as if he was just doing his job. „He passed away. About two hours ago.“

I laughed hysterically. „This can’t be, right? You’re joking, right?“  
The doctor cleared his throat again. Were the others there? Did they know more?  
He must have been joking. I knew Heejun, he wouldn’t just pass away just like that. Would he?

„He is dead, Jeong Inseong. Oh Heejun died about two hours ago. He laid in coma for about three months. It didn’t go that well. After no one ever appeared to look after him and bills were stacking up, we decided we’d turn off the machines holding him alive. He tried to kill himself back then, he was a lonely person. Our team of doctors agreed on turning off he machines.“

„Your team of doctors sucks.“  
I didn’t feel anything. I felt empty but that was all about it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I wanted to die, and die, I wanted to die over and over again, I wanted to see Heejun again. Not his lifeless body. I wished I hadn’t survived. I wished I was dead. The doctor cleared his throat again. So did I.

„You all fucking killed Oh Heejun. You killed him, all together.“  
„We didn’t. He killed himself. We tried to save him, but he wasn’t getting any better so we decided it would be best to let him go to were he himself decided to go.“

„I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe he’d still be by our side“ I mumbled.  
„I’m the one that should have died, NOT HIM. I love him, I loved him, he loves me, he loved me, I left him, he was alone. I left him. It is all my fault. Mine. My fault. IT IS MY FAULT. I killed him. I killed the person I loved more than anything. I killed who taught me how to live. Taught me what life was about, love. Taught me love. I killed him. I killed him. I killed Oh Heejun.“

Tears, cries, sobs, the sound of my fist meeting the wall. I hit it. Over and over again until it started bleeding. The doctor tried to keep me from doing so. I punched the wall. Again, again, again, until everything was white. Was it? Was it white? I looked around. Nope. It wasn’t they were still there, all of them. A young woman was currently talking to my mother and my… friends. Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit. Nothing happened except the fact that my hands hurt. 

I cried and cried and cried. It hurt, it hurt so badly. It all hurt but nothing would ever hurt as much as it hurt to see the truth – that Heejun was dead. I decided that he didn’t die. If doctors could decide if he lived or not, i could do the same. Ha! Got you! Heejun was alive. Heejun was alive. Heejun was alive! Until I remembered he wasn’t.

If I closed my eyes, would he be alive again? If I closed my eyes forever, could I live with him forever, in eternity? Should I just kill myself? It would be best if I just killed myself! Being alive wasn’t worth anyways when I couldn’t remember the people being closest to me and the person I loved was dead. 

I turned the light on, I turned on all the lights in the room. White. I needed white! But nothing changed except the image of Heejun’s body lying in front of me becoming clearer. I turned the lights off again. I cried. Pain.

„I’m so sorry, Heejun“ I whispered. „I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you. I should have died too. I love you.“

Then I left the room, I couldn’t see it anymore. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to die, over and over again. „INSEONG“ I heard one of my friends calling behind me as I was bumping into every wall just so I could feel the pain keeping me from thinking of the inner pain I was feeling. Love, love, love. Love is bullshit. 

I could hear them coming nearer, I saw their silhouettes before I fainted.

Oh Heejun, I loved you. And I always will.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first heeseong fanfiction I actually completed and it isn't that long but I guess I hope you like it anyways? Thank you for reading!


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